Seven to Eight Hours… The Impossible Dream
Sleeping through the night must be a myth right? A myth invented by people who have long been part of the parenthood club to taunt those who are newly joined. Why else would it be the first question everyone asks new parents? “So… how is he sleeping? Has he slept through the night yet?”

When you mention that your child is not part of the blessed “sleeping through the night” breed, you get sympathy and reassurance. Oh, it will happen eventually. You might also hear tales from other parents about how their babies slept through the night right away, as if that is supposed to make you feel better.

Well, whether people are telling the truth, or just choosing to forget those painful first weeks (months) of newborn life… It doesn’t make a difference to me. Simon is not going to sleep through the night any time soon, so stop asking please. My little alarm clock child is a hungry guy who needs to eat every two hours, and he will let you know about it. There is no sleeping through that.

So I measure success a bit differently… success for right now is Simon having solid 2 hour sleeps (maybe even 2.5 or 3 if I’m lucky), waking up, feeding, and immediately going back down for another 2 hour sleep until morning comes. No fussing, no waking up and needing to be held or entertained. We’ve had two nights like that this week, and right now I am counting myself lucky.

Besides… it’s amazing how quickly your body becomes trained for intermittent sleep. Tom slept in the basement earlier this week, before his first day back at work, and he admitted to waking up 3 times… hearing a baby crying when there was none. I also find myself waking up before Simon in anticipation of his next feeding. So I think the more important question is… when will I have my first sleep through the night?

What To Do With My Time, With Our Time
Now that I am home alone with Simon all day, I’m the sole decider on what we do together and what we do apart. It’s somewhat easy when he is asleep… I get time to pick-up, start dinner, blog, or maybe even take a nap if I also feel tired. Perhaps I should be napping more, but then I am giving up my only awake time by myself. And in a sense, at that point… I disappear completely from my own life.

When Simon is awake and crying, the decision is also somewhat easy. I do what needs to be done to take care of my child. Of course, how long do you let him cry? Do you put down everything you are doing the minute he starts? Or do you put up those last few dishes or type those last few words… especially when you know that solving his cries is going to mean a half hour breast feeding session and a diaper change.

Then when Simon is awake and not fussing, the decisions become even harder for me. What do I do? Normal household stuff, take it easy and watch movies, exercise… and how do I include him in the activity? Is just talking to him enough? Does he need to be held or touched all the time? Should I keep music on during the day to keep him stimulated?

Any time he sits there in his bouncer, bright-eyed and analyzing the world… do I stimulate him or let him be stimulated by himself? My mother defined this as the ultimate maternal question that will never ever go away… not when he is 2 months old and not when he is 25 years old. How much do you let your child be their own person and how much do you guide them and be with them?

Right now, I’m feeling the urge to err on the side of dependence. He is (after all) only 21 days old and very much in need of full time love and support. But while many women long for the days of dependence again after their child is grown, I am looking forward to a little bit more independence, where I can sit back proudly and watch him help himself grow and discover the world on his own.

Firsts This Week

• First Day Back At Work: Tom went back to work this week, which I’m sure can’t be easy… lack of sleep, and coming home to a little one who is only awake (if you are lucky) for a few hours. Although motherhood can be exhausting on some days, I am very happy that I still have another 5 weeks or so to enjoy here at home.
• First Night In The Crib: To coincide with Tom’s first week back at work, we also decided to start having Simon sleep in his crib. So far, it’s actually been an advantage to help the two of us sleep better. Although there is still at least once a night where we need to bring him into our bed to get back to sleep without crying.
• First Poop Explosion On The Go: Of course, I dress Simon up in a cute little outfit to go visit Goldsound and Organic, and the minute we pull him out of the car seat, we can smell something not so good.  Luckily I had packed an extra onesie, lesson learned.
• First Workplace Visit: Tom and I both walked Simon around our workplaces. It was nice to be at Organic and not talk once about work, only babies :) Many people told us that Simon looks a lot like me, and of course that he is a cutie.
• First Mail for Simon: Well, first mail (social security card) and his first package care of Ryan Sinon. Haven’t opened it yet, because a Ryan Sinon package is one of those things you wait and open with your husband. I can only imagine the coolest of stuff will be contained inside.

Favorite Picture This Week

Daddy dances around the living room to Duran Duran with Simon. When Simon is awake and alert, he loves being tossed around and handled, whether it’s exercising with Mommy or dancing with Daddy :)

As expected, Simon’s second week proves to be a little bit more draining and challenging… sleepless nights, frequent feedings, and confusing crying fits, all the joys of being a new parent.

Do Simons Dream of Electric Boobs?
I struggle with how much to let Simon sleep during the days, but he seems so peaceful and adorable. The minute I put him on my chest and he listens to my heartbeat he passes out in my arms. I’m also curious as to whether or not he dreams… sometimes he will startle himself during his sleep, his little arms and legs shooting straight out. Is it just a mess of colors and sounds in his sleepy head, memories of the womb?

But Simon is not the only one with strange dreams this week… the lack of a regular night rhythm is causing Simon to creep into not just my dreams, but Tom’s too. Tom dreamed that newborn Simon turned to him like in a horror film and asked “Daddy, why do you hate me?”. I dreamed that Tom and I were out shopping and I realized I had left Simon at home with no one watching him for hours.

It’s weird that guilt and bad parenting has manifested in both of our brains during the night. It must be the result of the complex emotions of wanting sleep for yourself, but also wanting this new companion to be happy and not always being able to please him as easily as you had hoped.

Our Little Puzzle Box
One day at a time… that’s the motto for this week. Simon is a peach during the days (most of the time), but nighttime is a different story. Sometimes he will sleep for a 3 hour block and it will seem like things are going to be okay. Sometimes he will fidget and fuss for an hour or more, not all out cry the whole time, but it’s obvious he’s awake and it’s hard to tell what he wants or needs. Putting him down only leads to more crying. Some nights where this happens enough, we find ourselves going a little crazy.

That’s the other thing… his needs are becoming more complex. It’s not always a wet diaper or hunger, now there is the desire to be swaddled, the desire to be unswaddled, craving the pacifier, the desire to be held or paid attention to, or sometimes too much stimulation and not enough rest. It’s hard to tell what calms him down. Did he really want the pacifier, or did he want to be fed and we just happened to make him forget for half an hour?

It’s hard enough to decode for ourselves, and then you add in the flood of differing opinions out there. Pediatrician says to start moving him slowly towards a schedule after the first week, but many books and friends say wait. Too early for a pacifier? Too early for a rattle? Too early for tummy time? Too early for a bedtime routine?

Every book will give you a different opinion, and I’m still trying to find my own “style” (although it feels too new to have a style). It also feels too early to let him “cry it out” or become independently amused, but the “attachment parenting” techniques are incredibly draining. While co-sleeping seems to help Simon sometimes, it certainly doesn’t help mommy or daddy get any sleep. Simon screamed bloody murder when I tried to put him in a baby-wearing sling, but at the same time he doesn’t want to be put down more and more.

And so I try and balance… but it’s hard to know if I’m doing the right thing.

Trying To Appreciate The Present
My goal for next week is to try and give into my situation more and appreciate the present. It has been really tempting for me this week to look not only back (at the freedoms we so recently had) but also to look forward.  I want so badly to be able to take Simon for walks in a stroller, to read to him and have him enjoy it… to tickle his belly and have him laugh, to make him new food to try… to have him interact rather than stare off into a daze.

But he is sweet and in so much need of us. He doesn’t throw tantrums or create huge messes. He doesn’t tell me he hates me or that I am ruining his life… and although he also can’t tell me he loves me, I know he does. So while I have the time off, I am dedicated to trying to enjoy my little eating, pooping, feeding, sometime cross-eyed, barely interactive, highly precious lump. Or else what am I here for?

Firsts This Week

• First Roll Over: When everyone was watching at our “Simon meet and greet” this weekend, Simon had his first full roll over during tummy time (which he still hates).
• First Day Out: Tom and I decided to not be cooped up in this house, and to take Simon out to lunch after his doctor’s appointment. He mostly slept while we enjoyed some tasty beer.
• First Toy: Pratibha got us a colorful rattle we’ve been using to see how Simon’s vision is developing. Sometimes he is interested and sometimes not so much

Favorite Picture(s) of the Week

Daddy’s Favorite

Mommy’s Favorite

I can only assume that every new mom is curious about the ratio of waking to sleeping hours their little newborn gets… Or how about the amount their baby feeds versus the amount that passes into those 10-15 daily diapers!! That we all have a gut feeling something is amiss but no way to prove it.

Enter ‘Total Baby’, an iPhone app to help you keep running tabs on just about everything you’d ever want to related to your new child. From the month to month stuff like doctor appointments, vaccinations, and growth… to the day to day in extreme detail.

Almost every feature is accompanied by a running timer. So, for instance, we use it to time Simon’s feeding sessions, baths, tummy time and what short sleeps he does get. I am able to document which breast, how long (or let the timer run), when, which breastfeeding hold and any custom notes. It can also keep track of ‘one time events’ like diapers changed, burps, medicine given, etc.

The main screen makes it easy to see when the last time Simon was changed, bathed, fed or when he last slept. Daily totals on diapers and feedings help put perspective on the whole input/output question.

I love how customizable everything is. I was able to easily add ‘bouncer’, ‘mommy’s arms’, and ‘daddy’s arms’ to sleeping locations. But mostly I love this app because it makes me feel a little more in control of my time and able to slowly (very slowly) move Simon towards a more regular eating and sleeping schedule.

Totally worth the $5 if it can get to a 4 hour stretch of sleep some time in the next week!!

Simon Giles Strickland came into the world on January 8th, 2010 at 5:46 AM. Since that moment, he has been changing the lives of his two parents in ways that they can barely comprehend, but it’s undeniably for the better.

Even if it is just for my journaling pleasure, I thought it would be a good idea to keep track of my feelings, Simon’s changes, and special moments, especially during this early time…

Being A Parent
It’s hard to describe the wave of emotions that we have undergone this week. Being at the hospital was surreal, and it wasn’t until we got home that the reality of parenthood began to sink in.  Having a house full of grandparents the first day was both wonderful and overwhelming.  The minute I went upstairs to feed and was confronted with my first all out crying session (with no luck feeding), I felt a bit scared about what I was in for.

On the opposite end of the emotional spectrum, I sat Simon on my chest today while I got comfortable to feed him. As he instantly calmed down and cooed at being close to his mommy, I began bawling out of pure love and vulnerability. How could I exist from here on out without this precious creature?

For the most part things have been in the later camp… happy and calm. The nights are a bit exhausting waking up every hour or two hours to feed him or change a diaper, but he’s been pretty easy to read and work with… crying usually only out of hunger or discomfort (wet diaper, desire to be held).

Actually, our house has been a state of bliss and excitement, a kind of dream world where the realities of our jobs and lives outside of taking care of Simon have kind of disappeared for a bit. While out in the “real world” for the first time yesterday, I managed to drop and break a bottle of wine and wander around IKEA in a daze, finally feeling the effects of lack of sleep.

All About Simon
Nothing to complain about so far. Everything I was scared of has been less scary than I had thought. Waking up in the middle of the night isn’t ideal, but is tolerable. Simon is a proficient and frequent breastfeeder, and I have not suffered yet from sore nipples (although I’ve definitely soaked a nursing pad or two).

I have also pretty much fallen instantly in love with him. I can’t stop kissing him and touching his soft skin, and I’m not the only one. As Grandma Sandy reports, “his head is like a little warm peach”. I was worried I’d feel detached to this foreign little guy that isn’t able to express much emotion, but his little squeaks and odd facial expressions only make we want to hold him closer.

He has melted my heart. And I am so excited to see him develop. I watch intensely for every second during the day that his eyes are open (still very few right now) and I can stare right into his eyes. I feel proud during our very limited tummy time when he is able to turn his head from one side to the other, albeit with much frustration.

I don’t really even know who this person is yet, but I know I love him differently than I’ve loved anything before and that I want to take care of him.

Firsts This Week

• First Breastfeeding: We started right away in the hospital. I don’t think it worked the first time, because the second time I felt a definite latch on and sucking sensation, like the pieces just clicked into place.
• First Car Ride: On the way home from the hospital
• First Bath: Although it was more of a washcloth rub down in the tub after Simon had another first… first diaper explosion the minute we got home
• First Doctor’s Appointment: Checked out all healthy, and had a great big poopy diaper right on the doctor’s table
• First Manicure: Tried to file down his perfect little fingernails, which is no easy task when his hands are so so so small
• First Tummy Time: He’s not too happy about it, but we’ve been giving him small (like 5 minutes) of tummy time each day. He turns his head a few times, tries to push onto his knees, and does a few “superman” poses before crying in frustration. It makes him so sad, but I know it must be good for him
• First Photo Shoot: Look for pictures shortly, but we had lots of fun with outfits and Simon held up surprisingly well… although he needed a nice long nap and feeding afterwards
• First Baby Sitter: Grandma Sandy took care of him while we ran out to IKEA and a few other places for some baby goods.
• First Bottle Feeding: I was nervous to do it, but Simon has been so good about latching on that I figured one time couldn’t hurt. Sandy fed him a bottle of breastmilk while we were out shopping, and other than a little drool, he did fine and took down 2 oz!!

Favorite Picture(s) of the Week
There will be a lot of these for sure. We are two media obsessed parents with some expensive equipment. So I figured I might want to select a favorite picture or two each week. Some of the best aren’t even going to make it into this week’s post, because I’m going to tweak them in Photoshop. I’m a nerd, what can I say?

Mommy’s Favorite

Daddy’s Favorite

I just read Marta’s story and thought it would be appropriate to tell my own. We experienced the whole thing together, but obviously not in the same way. So here goes…

It figures that the day we planned to go to the hospital was the same day that the weather decided to give us the biggest snow storm of the season so far. We had taken it easy throughout the day, just resting and watching movies and relaxing before the big event. As the credits to “Waterworld” began to roll, Marta looked at the clock and realized it was time to go.

We packed everything into the car and began trudging through the snow covered roads on our journey to Annapolis Hospital. It was strange, but both of us had pictured it this way… that we would be heading to the hospital at night during a pretty bad snowstorm.

We arrived only a few minutes late, registered at the front desk, and then were brought into the room in which we’d be staying for the next two days. It was very calm and peaceful in the room, and in the entire birthing center. There was also something really soothing about the snow coming down outside while we were comfortable and warm inside our room.

The nurses began to prep Marta for the induction while I unpacked all our stuff and got us settled in. We were given cabinets for our clothes, a refrigerator to keep our champagne cold, and I was given a very comfy fold out bed to sleep on. Marta got her IV, then the cervix softener, and we kicked back and began to watch the first episode of Twin Peaks, which we brought on DVD.

In the onset of all of this, Marta was dilated to about 2cm. The nurse kept coming in to check on Marta’s progress. After a couple hours, she was checked again and told that she was only at 2.5 centimeters. With permission from her doctor, we were then allowed a couple hours to walk around freely and see if the softener would bring some contractions. We walked around the halls of the birthing center together, stopping at each end to observe the plows outside doing their work to clear the snowfall.

Marta was feeling very comfortable still, with no real pain to speak of. At about midnight, it was decided that she would get some pitocin in her IV. We continued watching our Twin Peaks DVD, and eventually I heard Marta say, “whoa….now THAT was a contraction”. I stopped the DVD, and pulled up a chair by her side. Almost immediately, she started feeling another one, and another one, and each of them looked more painful.

Things got intense pretty quick after that. The contractions came so rapidly, maybe only 20 seconds apart, and my poor wife withstood it with all her might. We established some techniques early on that helped her, mainly squeezing my hand tighter as the pain came and went continuously. I put on one of the mix cds we brought that we had made for our Northwest vacation, keeping the volume very low. I’m not sure if it really helped Marta, but I myself found it very comforting to have something that was so familiar to both of us playing softly in the background. I also managed to give her one good foot massage with the oil that we brought.

As time went on, the pain was getting worse for her, and eventually I was locked in my seat right next to her. The nurse came in to check her dilation, and at that point they said she was only at 3. This worried us both, because it seemed like it was going to be an eternity to get up to 10. Marta made it clear that we should call our Doula. I grabbed her phone and called Lidia, who lives in Ann Arbor. I felt a little nervous about calling her this early, but Marta reminded me that this is why we were paying her in the first place.

It took Lidia a while to get to the hospital because the roads were terrible, and during this time the pain was becoming almost unbearable for Marta. We called in the nurse and she suggested the use of Stadol to “take the edge off” the contractions. Poor Marta was so worried about how it would effect her, but she was desperate for relief, as the contractions never seemed to let up long enough for her to ever get a break.

When Lidia finally arrived, Marta was at about 4cm, and the drug was just kicking in. It was sad for me to see her sleepy eyes looking up at me from that uncomfortable hospital bed. After each contraction passed, she closed her eyes and seemed to fall right asleep. Having Lidia arrive at this moment, I could tell Marta felt a little guilty, as did I. It seemed like there wasn’t much she could do for us yet, and we still had so far to go. The Stadol made Marta very groggy, and she couldn’t talk much to Lidia or I. At this point, I began to worry about my own ability to get through this. I was starving, exhausted, and my back was aching from leaning over for so long.

As Marta slept in the brief moments between her contractions, I started to express some of my worries to Lidia. I told her I was starving, and she calmly said “there’ll be plenty of time to eat when all of this is over”. I knew then there was nothing I could do and that I was absolutely going to have to tough it out no matter how long it took. I also felt terrible inside about this, because I couldn’t even begin to imagine what it felt like for Marta. Lidia started to work with me, taking turns holding Marta’s hand while I patted her face down with a cool cloth. I started regaining my confidence, and it was great to have a helper on hand.

At about 5cm, we decided it was time to call Loretta. Marta was having a really rough time as the contractions continued to get worse, and the Stadol began to slowly wear off. She asked us to call the nurse because she said she was feeling some intense urges to push, and in what seemed like 10 minutes, it turned out that her dilation had gone from 5cm all the way to 9cm. This brought a huge feeling of relief over me, and I could see for the first time all night a smile on my suffering wife’s face… it was going to be over way sooner than we had thought!

The last stages of all of this were by far the craziest and hardest to remember for me. Marta began to get very scared at the thought of pushing the baby out, and begged for an Epidural. The anesthesiologist came in and began to prep her for it, but an intense contraction and an exploding bag of water threw her back down on the bed. “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god” was all I could remember her screaming.

I was finding this harder and harder to take… I wanted so badly to take her pain away… to switch roles with her. She was so frightened and in so much pain. I kept fighting my urge to cry. As we had discussed in our prenatal visits with our doula, it was my job to stay as strong as possible to help my wife through this, and it was getting harder and harder for me to keep it together.

At the end, I remember the room began filling up with hospital personnel. Equipment was being rolled in, the doctor arrived, and I knew then that we were almost done. Marta’s legs began to shake uncontrollably, and soon Lidia and I were on opposite sides, each holding one of Marta’s legs in one arm, and holding her hand with the other. The doctor was shouting out instructions for her on how she needed to push while we continued to try and soothe her.

I began to periodically glance down to see if I could see my son’s head coming. The doctor pointed it out to me, though it really didn’t look like a head… I saw more of a squished pancake! Continuing to watch for the head, I started to notice that there was an incredibly odd smell in the room. With my sensitive nose and gag reflex, it started getting to me. I tried to fight it, but eventually I turned to gag. Of course the nurses saw this and probably thought I was going to pass out or something. I didn’t want to say anything because I was embarrassed.

I threw some water on my face, took a drink, and got back at Marta’s side, this time staying close to her face so as not to induce any more gagging! With one more massively painful push, the next thing I knew, there was a squirming slimy baby on Marta’s chest, connected to a gleaming white umbilical cord. He let out his first cry at the same time that I finally shed a few tears.

Marta’s mother arrived right at this moment, just in time. I remember the doctor handing me a pair of scissors and pointing to where I needed to cut. I did so willingly, and as I cut through the tough rubbery tube I got squirt in the face with blood. Trying to take all this in was difficult. So much of it is a blur to me now. It was just so emotionally and physically intense. Looking back on what took about six hours seems like it happened in only one!

After the baby was out, Marta looked like she was in major relief, so I was finally able to gather my thoughts and start taking photos. Eventually the staff disappeared, our doula went home, and me, Simon, Marta, and Amma Loretta were left alone in our room.

We were all exhausted, so I laid down on my pull out bed to try and rest. This was when everything started playing back in my head, and I could not shake the images of my poor wife screaming in agony. Her voice crying out kept echoing in my head and eventually I started to lose it. All of the emotion that I had been bottling up for the last six hours began to pour out of me.

I wanted to lie next to my wife, but it was impossible in the hospital bed. Luckily, Loretta was there to comfort me and calm me down. I had a tough time shaking this emotion throughout the rest of the day.

In the late afternoon, I picked up my son and started looking at all of his amazingly tiny features. He was so precious I just wanted to snuggle him! I took him over to the bed and laid him next to me and the two of us passed out together for the next two hours, while Marta got some much needed rest herself. The tiny sounds of his breath were so adorable and knocked me right out.

It was an amazing experience for all of us, and before I knew it we were loading Simon into the car and heading home.  As this major event comes to a close, I can’t wait to experience everything that comes next. I love being a dad!