Now Entering Parenthood...

Lately I’ve been having an overwhelming feeling. I’ve been having it so much that it even has a name… it’s called “Charlie guilt”. I’ve slowly come to the realization that no matter how hard I try, Charlie will never have the undivided attention, the consistency, and the priority that Simon had his age.

Charlie is destined to be a different kid and he already is. He spends a good portion of his days watching the rather exciting life of an almost 2 year old toddler, which isn’t all bad… but I’m having a hard time finding the balance between keeping Simon happy and giving Charlie what he really needs.

Let’s Talk About Simon
Simon woke up one morning recently and decided he really wanted to talk. There has been no stopping ever since. Simon has learned the valuable lesson that you can get by in the world on very little. If you just combine nouns and concepts (i.e. “pancake”, “hot”, “park”, “candy cane”, “Mickey”) with simple descriptive phrases (i.e. “all done”, “no”, “more”, “hi”, “bye bye”), that’s pretty much all you need. In the world of a toddler, your communication desires focus on wanting to acknowledge when things come, when things go, and when things happen. And more importantly, you want to be able to tell people when you want more of something you currently do not have (“more pie”) or you want something to stop that you aren’t enjoying (“all done plane”).

Besides talking, Simon is getting extremely interested in socializing. He loves to dance. He loves to make Mom and Dad laugh. He likes to say “Hi!” to random people on street. He’s a sweet kid that sees the value of sharing (most of the time), of making someone else smile, and of encouraging others to participate with him. When he feels like he is done something to make someone else happy, he shines as a result. He also likes figuring things out on his own, and feeling like he has mastered something challenging.

The times when he isn’t his best are usually the times when his needs aren’t met. If he’s hungry, tired, or bored… if I’ve taken him into an exciting situation and then immediately given him boundaries that are hard for him to understand. Those are on me. But… there are still times where he wants something so badly that he is unable to understand that he cannot have it. Those are the opportunities I have to teach him valuable life lessons. But THAT isn’t easy and THAT takes time. And now that Charlie is in the world, it happen to take time away from Charlie and his needs…

Let’s Talk About Charlie
Charlie is a very happy baby. He smiles constantly. He comes in for snuggles (although that sometimes results in a head butt and a hair grab). He even hides is face from strangers, because he can’t contain how happy he is when he gets smiles back. But this happiness is also a problem, because I take it for granted. Because he such a happy baby, I find it easier to justify pushing his nap or not coming to get him right away. It’s harder for me to notice that he is not getting what he needs.

Charlie’s problems are becoming our problems. Sleep is an issue. Charlie doesn’t get enough sleep during the day and that leads to him being very restless and overly tired at night. Who can blame him? Charlie wants to watch, he doesn’t want to sleep… and mom and dad aren’t making it easy anyway. They are running around during the weekends, taking Simon out for fun. The result is that Charlie is a pretty exhausted little baby.

It’s not just sleep that feeds into this “Charlie guilt”. It’s also the idea of what I had time to do with Simon… like sing songs, talk to him, get on the floor with him during tummy time and actually play and interact no matter how exhausted I was. I don’t get to do that as much with Charlie, and instead of teaching him to enjoy independent play and discovery, it’s more about being held by mommy, watching big brother, and getting upset whenever she leaves the room.

Whether rational or not, I have to try and actively overcome my Charlie guilt each and every day. I have to remind myself that in a world where I gave into every single need of Charlie, I would create a world in which Simon would become a sad, frustrated, bored, jealous boy… where discipline isn’t enforced with care and consistency… and that’s not acceptable either. I can’t get rid of Charlie guilt only to create Simon guilt.  Instead I need to find the balance and I need to be okay that I’m never going to feel like I’m completely doing everything I need to do.

That’s the balance of having two kids. It’s something I am learning more about every day, and hopefully at some point I will feel like I’m a master at it.

Alright, so first things first… Last time Charlie was only one month and you called him a little alien without much of a personality.

How would you describe Charlie now?
He’s a snuggly smiley little munchkin. I love him. He’s so chill. And definitely a chubby ball of fun. Definitely chubbier than Simon was at this age.

What’s your favorite thing about Charlie at 4 months?
The amount of smiles I’m getting. He’s so happy all the time, I just have to look at him and he smiles back like “Hi Daddy”. He’s permagrin.

What’s an area that could use some improvement?
I guess sleeping but he’s starting to get better. He’s doing just fine. I consider us lucky that he is even sleeping as good as he is at this age. But consistency would be nice.

Like how last week he slept through the night 4 times, and this week he’s up 4 times a night? Yeah, consistency would be pretty nice…

What are you looking forward to next?
That’s a tough one. I honestly don’t want hit to change. If I could freeze him like this I would. I don’t want him to be mobile. I just wish he could stay like this forever. He’s just a snuggly ball of love.

Last interview you also talked about how you were most looking forward to being able to talk to Simon and having him respond. Tell me about Simon now…
He’s definitely come a lot farther. Simon is like a little buddy now. Halloween was just one of the best times I have ever had with him. He’s just so much smarter, that you can tell him what you want him to do and he understands.

Like after a couple houses he understood the process of what we were doing and he loved it. Trick or treating is not something he’s ever been told about, but you explain, “This is what trick or treating is” and he’s like “Okay I get it, this is fun”… The walking up to the door, the putting the candy in the bucket, the walking away on his own and saying “Byeeeee.”

What’s another recent favorite Simon moment?
Just his humor. He knows that messing up my hair is funny. How does he know that? And then there are some things I taught him. Like the way I reacted to his stinky diapers, now whenever he farts or poops he goes “Ewwww” and waves his hand in front of his nose.

What’s your favorite new Simon phrase?
“Oooh No!” He talks a lot, there aren’t many phrases, but there are some like “Mama Dee” (Mommy’s drink). But I still just love the way he says “Hi!”

Just last night I came up to say goodnight. It’s weird to walk into a room that is pitch black and just hear this little voice in the corner go “Hi!”. If it wasn’t so damn cute, it would be horrifying.

How has Simon been driving you nuts?
He’s strong willed now. Like I took him out to rake leaves with me and I thought he would be interested in helping me picking up sticks, and I could hang out with my son. And he wouldn’t at all. He just kept running into the garage and trying to get on the moped. He isn’t good at focusing, or he just isn’t interested or something.

Do you think he is a good big brother?
Apparently day care says they see things that we don’t. He will run over to Charlie and protect him if anyone comes near him. He checks on him through out the day. I love the occasional kiss that Simon decides to give Charlie. So far he’s pretty loving.

We are about to go on our first big family trip… Any fears or things you area looking forward to?
The plane ride I am most afraid of, but also the time change is terrifying. Those are scary obstacles to get over with two kids. But I am excited to see Simon and if he will have fun at Disneyland or any of the places we take him to. I’m looking forward to him going “WOW!” I could listen to that all day. He is so impressed by everything.

Fast forward to next summer or the one after… What are you looking forward to the most with the boys?
Activities that we can do together that are more engaging, like when I was out there raking leaves. I want him to stay by my side and not wander off. I want him to be like a little sidekick. He kinda is but he is just too curious about everything. And who knows what Charlie will be like.

That’s kinda lame… Like your are looking forward to raking leaves with your son. Making them do chores. What about camping or opening their eyes to new things?

Your are misinterpreting. I mean like having a ball and getting him to play catch. Any activity where he is actively involved with me. He can do that sometime now, like playing a game with me on the iPad, but I want him to last a little longer.

Any closing thoughts?
When we told people we were having Charlie so close to Simon, people were all sympathetic and telling us how it was going to suck. But now that we are in it, I feel like we are doing just fine. It doesn’t feel like an impossible burden. I’m not saying its easy, but I was afraid that I’d be dwelling on it every day. That we didn’t have things the way we planned, but now it feels fun having them this close. Once they both can walk and they can be real brothers… That’s going to be fun, I hope they stay buddies.

I’m in love… I’m just smitten with a handsome little man named “Charlie”. I don’t even know how to describe it, other than it feeling like complete infatuation.

I’m trying not to feel guilty over the other “loves” in my life. Maybe it is because I returned to work this week and maybe it is because Simon has been a complete wreck (exhausted, cranky, tired, sick… poor baby). But, I find myself daydreaming about pulling Charlie tight into my chest and kissing his squishy soft neck more than ever before. I also find this unbearable guilt that I am missing out daily on his sweet smiles and coos.

I don’t remember feeling quite this strong of separation anxiety with Simon. Maybe it’s because I know this will be my last baby, and maybe it’s because I know what I’m going to miss when this phase is over. Or perhaps just I’m a little more relaxed about exactly what to do with a 3 month old, since I’ve had one before… and I am able to better appreciate all the snuggly sweetness that Charlie brings to the table.

Sigh… either way, it’s hard not to remember back to the days of summer. My “Simon + Charlie” days were always action packed. We went to as many places as our energy and time would allow. We would go to parks, run around, draw with chalk, finger paint, build blanket forts, sing songs. But my “Charlie” days were just amazingly chill… sometimes I would just snuggle with him in the bed or out on our deck for hours while reading. Sometimes I would take him shopping and enjoy the smiles he cast my way while we wandered around the store.

Oh Charlie!! The idea that someone else is receiving those smiles from you all day long is killing me right now. You are my carrot during a hard days work… the idea that I get to come home and pinch your little chin keeps me going all day long.

I decided to keep track of the things I heard Simon say through out the summer. Right before I had Charlie, I realized that the list of words that Simon used or I had once heard him say (two very different things) was getting a bit long to just keep in memory, plus he was picking up new words at a rapid pace.

(click to view full list)

By the end of the summer, I have assembled quite a lengthy list, and I’m pretty amazed by the diversity of sound, gestures, actual words, and made up language that this growing little man exhibits. So here is how the categories break down…

The Everyday Words
These are the words that you can get Simon to say over and over again when prompted (“Say doggie”). These are the words he will say unprompted when he sees a picture or a real life version. They may not sound exactly like the way we say them, but they are part of his everyday vocabulary.

Examples: Wow-wah (flower), shoe, doggie, ducky, diddy (kitty), ball, gah (car), oppy (happy), dibba-dibba-dibba (Yo Gabba Gabba)

Demands and Expressions
These are harder to get him to say on demand, because they are associated with things he wants. Sometimes he says them so forcefully and with such emotion that I wonder if he even realizes what he is saying, or if he is just slipping out phrases he things he has heard before. Some of these are used everyday, some come out only when he really means business.

Examples: All done, down, mow (more), I need it, I want it, I want out, now

The Lazy Language
I guess it’s not giving him enough credit to call it “lazy”, but Simon has decided that some words aren’t worth the effort of pronouncing the whole thing. Or maybe the whole thing is just too hard to pronounce. Or maybe the English language just sounds too much the same to his toddler ears, but he has invented a whole language of first letters or sounds that relates to a whole series of words.

Examples: Bee (bear, bunny, berry, any fruit), Dee (drink, cheese), Ah (on, off, hot) 

It Sounds Like This
Some objects have such interesting sounds associated with them that the sound overrules the actual word. We know he knows the word because you can ask him to “Say ______” (water, moped, etc) and he choses instead to make the sound. He knows what it is, what it is called, but prefers to speak in sounds.

Examples: vehicles = “brrrrrrrrr”, water = “psssshhhhh”, stinky = “ew” and wave your hand, yucky = makes a fart noise, yummy = “mmmmm” 

The Magic Disappearing Words
These are words Simon has said once (or sometimes more than once that day). I have them on my list, and then they are never heard from again. Tom writes them off until he hears them himself, as would I… so I am at a loss to try and replicate them.

Examples: Elmo, Brobee, food, peas, milk, kick, horsey, blue, shirt, turtle, bike

The Great Unknown
Then there are just phrases and words and sounds that roll out of his mouth so confidently that I am at a loss to understand. It took us months to figure out “dibba-dibba-dibba” meant Yo Gabba Gabba. It’s enough to drive a person crazy, but it also makes me realize that if I hadn’t spent my summer carefully observing my in progress human experiment, I may not be as good at communicating with him as I even am. It’s a crazy language, that of a toddler, but I feel pretty smart having cracked the code this much.

The Players: Mommy vs Toddler
The Challenge: Keep toddler occupied, while keeping mommy sane

With the support of playdates, a spouse, parents, friends and a local line-up of incredible toddler friendly venues… I am happy to say I not only survived my summer maternity leave with both a newborn and a toddler, but it was possibly the best summer of my life.

I feel like I know so much more about my child, my surrounding area, and motherhood than I did a mere 10 weeks ago. Not just 10 weeks later, but 6 parks, 5 museums, 4 waterparks, 3 beaches, 2 farms, and 1 zoo later… 

Best Outdoor Park = Hess Hathaway
I do love Dodge Park #5, which is enclosed in white pines and offers giant soccer fields for an energetic toddler to run wild on. But the prize has to go to Hess Hathaway, which has a huge toddler friendly playscape, a giant sandbox, a maze, a shaded eating area, and a petting farm. Priorities for a good park this summer included enough shade to park and nurse Charlie, low traffic, and a safe enough area to let Simon run wild without me having to run after him every minute.

Not so toddler friendly is the park at Inglenook Park in Southfield and Milford Central Park. Both are really awesome parks, but only offer parental stress in the way of ultra tall slides, insanely busy traffic, nearby fast streams, etc. Maybe next summer.

Best Waterpark = Waterford Oaks (outdoor), Huron Valley schools (indoor)
I have not been to Red Oaks Water Park, but I have been to Kensington Metro Park’s Splash ‘n’ Blast. Kensington is nice because there is the beach and the splash ‘n’ blast area, which is pretty much all toddler friendly and Simon approved. Priorities for a good waterpark included shaded seating, not too deep water, and access to food. Splash ‘n’ Blast fails to bring the food and the shade.

Waterford Oaks in Waterford, however, has great food, plenty of shade, and a fairly toddler-friendly play structure that has kept Simon busy for hours. He also enjoys the wave pool. But, unlike the regular parks, I have never attempted a water adventure with the kids without another adult… but a low key day at Waterford Oaks might be doable. Charlie naps in the shade within clear eyesight, and if he gets hungry there is always a stroller to strap Simon into while I nurse.

The Huron Valley high schools, both Lakeland and Milford high school offer indoor waterparks, which are far cheaper than Waterford Oaks, and offer some deep water to practice swimming (which Simon doesn’t love yet). Only drawback is no strollers allowed, so no way of restraining an active toddler if the newborn needs attention.

Best Day Trip for a Rainy Day = Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum
Not really a full “day trip”… for that I’m loving Great Lakes Crossing Mall, which has a kids play area, Rainforest Cafe, a carousel, and lots of interesting stores and room to run around. But none of that can compete with the look of sheer joy that came over Simon’s face when he realized that coin + machine = action at Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum. The best part is that the machines are so close together that there isn’t much room for a toddler to shimmy his way behind or wreck general toddler havoc. I don’t think I’ve ever gone through quarters so quickly!!

Best Day Trip for a Sunny Day = Greenfield Village
Henry Ford Museum was kinda a bust. Simon liked looking at the cars and big trains, but the museum is pretty tiny for the cost of entry. However, Greenfield Village is HUGE… too huge to conquer before nap time even. And, unlike Henry Ford, the actual exhibits feature large glass walls, so tiny hands and bodies can’t get in. Simon enjoyed just running up to house after house in the Porches and Parlors section, and going inside to explore… and I felt safe letting him do it!

Also, the train rocks. I dreaded the idea of a 30 minute train ride without seat belts, but as soon as that train got moving, all I heard for half an hour was “WEEEE! WEEE!”. 

I hate to say it, but lower on my “sunny day fun” list was the Detroit Zoo. I think I need Tom involved to prop Simon up on his shoulders, and too take turns walking him around, because the view at stroller height is just not the best and all that time in the stroller with not enough action is not as toddler-friendly. Still, it was fun for mommy who got to have a playdate with her friend and co-worker, Erin… who’s little Tait was born less than 24 hours after Charlie.

Parting Words of Wisdom

• Always bring snacks!! Snacks keep a toddler not only happy, but occupied. An occupied toddler stays happy when strapped to a stroller for too long. And a hungry toddler also stays near the person who has the snacks, which is essential while breastfeeding an infant.
• Love that double stroller. That double stroller works as a purse, as a diaper bag, as a snack and activity dispenser, a sun shield, and as a way to restrain and keep a toddler safe when necessary (which is often). By the end of the summer I felt like I could go anywhere as long as I had my double stroller with me.
• Invite friends. Whether your friends have kids or not, it’s an extra set of hands and eyes and some adult conversation. Plus older kids help keep younger ones in line and interested in safer activities.
• Better than books are real life things… Use your adventures to enhance your toddler’s growing vocabulary. Why just read about cars and trains or lions and bears, when you can go somewhere and actually see them in action!

He is the one that smiles and chats with me during the day…

 

I love this Charlie, and I’m afraid that not many people are going to get to see him for a while. Daddy is only familiar with angry Charlie and sleeping Charlie (although not as much as we would like).  

The Only Thing That’s True Is… Every Child Is Different
It’s the overriding consensus we’ve been getting ever since we started this parenting gig, but it doesn’t really ring true until you have an actual second child to compare everything to. Everything seems rosy in retrospect, and you find yourself wondering why Charlie doesn’t do things as easy as Simon, when really maybe it wasn’t easier… it was just different.

Bottle-feeding!! Who knew that something so EASY with Simon would become such a nightmare with Charlie? I guess I should thank my lucky stars that both of them have been such amazing breastfeeders. They latched right away and no sore or cracked nipples. They both never seems bothered by what I ate, and happily took the breast. Charlie takes it a little too happily… he eats all the time, every hour when he is awake, and has started refusing to take anything else. Boo!

So, needless to say, anyone without the magic boobs doesn’t get to see Charlie the way I see him. With a full belly, he is seriously one of the sweetest babies alive. He started cooing and smiling long before Simon did. And I just felt the need to share :) 

So, one of the thing about having two kids, including a newborn, is that it doesn’t leave you much time (or energy or creativity) to blog. If you are on maternity leave, then maybe you can find a hour somewhere, but if you are working, then no way. I really wanted to get Tom’s thoughts on here, so I decided to interview him.

Charlie, the one month old, how would you describe him?
Well, Charlie is pretty typical. He doesn’t seem colicky. But he is still an alien, and doesn’t have much of a personality yet. So its a little early to ‘assess’ him. 

Well, what about physically?
Right now? He looks like Lon but it is hard to tell who’s genes he got. He looks pretty unique and I have no idea where the red hair came from. Oh and he’s really cute… most of the time.

What about having two kids has pretty much been how you expected?
Really it’s just that our personal life is gone. It wasn’t gone with Simon, but now it’s pretty much gone. It didn’t really kick in how true that is until you are in it.

And what has been different, or not how you expected it?
Simon taking to him so well and not showing any sign of jealousy. We were all worried about that but it’s nonexistent. Simon is cute with Charlie. The other day, I had Simon in the bjorn and had to pick up Charlie because you were gone. They we’re pressed up against each other. Simon wrapped his arms around Charlie and went ‘hmmmmm’.

Aww… You didn’t tell me that. I like how he talks about ‘beebee’ as part of the family. Every night he goes through the family in bed, ‘Mama, dada, beebee’. The other night he asked for ‘beebee’ when I was tucking him in and when I gave him his baby doll, he hugged it and slept with it. 

So speaking of the baby, what had you forgotten about taking care of a newborn?
I had forgotten about constantly having to console them. What sucks the most is having two kids right now is having one that needs constant attention. There is just nothing fun about that. It’s draining, you can’t stay up late ever. 

Well there has to be something you forgot that was good too, right? Something you missed?
The snuggling, absolutely.. You can’t snuggle Simon at all without him looking at you like ‘Put me down… Now!!’

What has been harder than you remember with Simon?
Well, you keep saying I forget, but I say getting him to go to sleep… He goes down and everything is fine, then 5 minutes passes and he is pissed off again. Diaper is changed and belly is full but he is still pissed off. It takes a lot to get him down.

I can agree with that. He sleeps longer periods than Simon… Not consistently, but I know Simon was up every hour and half to two hours at this age. Charlie can get a good solid four hour sleep, but he then takes 45 minutes to get back down. It’s grueling, but maybe it will go away faster this time?

So what has been easier than you remember with Simon?
I have more confidence because I’ve been through it. Like we took him out right away and keep going out. Not that it is any easier but we are more willing to do it. 

What are you looking forward to in the near future?
When they can both understand what I say. When they can talk to each other. When I can say ‘come here’, ‘look at that’ and get a reaction.

But Simon does that. You can tell him to bring you something or look at something. Ignoring ‘come here’ is more an obedience issue we need to work on, but he’ll do it if he’s not interested in something else.

Okay, well… I just want consistency. And I want to know he understands. When I can ask ‘was that fun?’ and get ‘yeah’ as an answer. It’s just so limited right now.

So what about Charlie? Something you are looking forward to with him…
The smile, the giggle. Right now Charlie to me is just very angry and unhappy all the time.

He does smile! Actually, he’s been doing that for a while, but it is rare. But during the day he has been getting more alert and starting to ‘coooo’. I sang to him the other day and he gave me a big grin, it kinda freaked me out. It was creepy but cute, since you don’t really expect him to express emotion yet.

So Charlie doesn’t do much yet, but what about new things with Simon you are enjoying?
Well there is his new word ‘oppy’ (happy). I love that. He grabs his jukebox and said ‘oppy now’ meaning he wants to hear the song (‘if you’re happy and you know it’). In general, he’s just saying more words and showing more intelligence. 

Like what? Anything surprise you lately? Like ‘woah’, how’d he do that?

What do you mean? I don’t know, what about you? You spend more time with him during the day… Give me an example.

Okay. I guess I’m surprised by how easily he remembers things and how quick he is to imitate us. It’s adorable and I guess makes me realized I need to be a bit more conscious of what I do. So the first time we played with Mr. Potatohead, I stuck the glassed on my face and the tongue in my mouth. He thought it was so funny, and now he wants to do it to his own face every time the toy comes out. He also makes a little song (‘do do do’) when he stacks his blocks, because I did it without even realizing it once. He’s a sponge.

Yeah… Like when he wants to ride the moped and he goes and pulls out the bjorn and points to my keys. He knows the keys are needed to make it work, and I never showed him that. It’s crazy. It shows that he is paying attention ALL the time, even to what we consider mundane. He figures stuff out quick and is getting really good with his fingers, like when he plugs in the tiny AC adapter plug to the monitor or my PSP. I mean, that sucks, but it is still impressive.

Anything else?
Have you gotten any random hugs from Simon? Those are the best. I like that he likes love. He likes being loved and giving love. I guess you can’t ask for much more than that.