I’ve switched from reading the pregnancy books to the baby-raising books. Figured it was a good time, there is only so much you can hear about your symptoms and I’m still fairly far away from my D day. And I don’t want to start our registry until we know what flavor of baby we are having (boy or girl).

So how do you “learn” to raise a child?
Well, all the experts resoundly agree… learning to become a parent is an on-the-job training type of situation. No book, no class can teach you how to raise YOUR child.  But there are going to be moments… moments where you don’t know what to do, and wish you had an easy answer:

  • Do I let my child to sleep with me or make them sleep on their own?
  • Is it ever okay, or in fact encouraged, to let them “cry it out”?
  • How much should I stimulate my child’s learning and how early?

And there are plenty of opinions to go around, which is why I’m reading not one, but three books that completely contradict each other, hoping to find the happy middle ground… but also knowing that it won’t mean anything until I have that little creature in my arms and in my home.

Philosophy #1: Attachment Parenting
The Birth Book by William Sears
A huge and heavy book, and also not short on bias. Although I’d expect no different from the authors, who are known for their strong opinions on how to birth and raise children.

The philosophy of attachment parenting is based on forming a strong bond between parent and child from as early on as possible. The practice includes always attending to a crying child, breastfeeding, wearing your baby during the day, and sleeping with your baby at night. The theory suggests this is the best way to form a sensitive, empathetic child.

Some aspects make a lot of sense. For instance, if you wear your baby during the day and stimulate him through conversation, he will be less likely to be needy of attention and care during the night. Or that the only way your baby can communicate is to cry, and by ignoring cries, it’s basically the same as telling a young child to “shut up”.

Philosophy #2: RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers)
Your Self-Confident Baby by Magda Gerber
I am finding this book (smaller and shorter) much easier to read. But it contradicts a lot of the philosophy put forward by attachment parenting.  The RIE approach is all about giving your child the space to explore and the ability to learn on their own. It’s not so much a “hands off” approach, as it is trying to enable your child to discover things for themselves.

Like the attachment approach, it supports the idea of making time with your child (whether you are changing, bathing, or playing) quality time… a time to concentrate on focusing on your child and learning their personality and cues. But for that reason, Madga is against babywearing and co-sleeping. Just because you are physically close to your baby, doesn’t mean you are focusing on them. Better to separate yourself, get your chores done, get your sleep… and that way not only are you refreshed and ready to devote more energy to your baby, but your baby is learning valuable self-entertaining and self-soothing skills.

Madga also gets into how to play with your child. She is big on unrestricted, but safe exploration. Allow the child to chose the toys and the games, rather than forcing them to learn what you decide via flash cards. She also forewarns on over-stimulating your newborn with mobiles and constant music in the nursery. Instead, letting the child learn at their own pace will create a more confident child.

Philosophy #3: Montessori Method (plus a little sci-fi)
How to Raise a Brighter Child by Joan Beck
Finally, my mom let me borrow a book that she read before I was born. I’ve only just begun reading it, but a lot of the philsophies come from the idea that a child’s brain at an early age is programmable like a computer (cyborg child) mixed in with a lot of Montessori Method. Montessori is similar to the RIE philosophy in its emphasis on self-directed activity for learning.

Beck differs from Madga when it comes to how soon and how many learning opportunities a child should be introduced into. Beck claims there is no such thing as over-stimulation, and making sure a crib is packed with things to touch, things to hear and not just one permanent mobile… but a mobile you swapped out every few days. Beck also argues that this stimulation is something that can and should begin right away, least you miss out on some of the most opportune stages of your child’s brain development.

Beck also goes back on the babywearing issue, claiming that this is a perfect opportunity to give your child extra stimulation. An infant is not looking for routine, they are looking to be introduced to new things and explained to in the voice of their loving parents. Beck claims this is the best way to raise a bright child.

So which one is right?
Who knows!! None of the above, all of the above, a little of everything. Luckily each of these seemingly different philosophies have some good, consistent advice at their core:

  • Stay flexible, this is a learning experience. Pay attention, listen to your baby’s cues, and don’t be afraid to try new things if stuff isn’t working.
  • Stay positive, your child is a mirror to your emotions. If you turn your nose up at a poopy diaper or say “no no no” every time they try to learn something new, the child will think there is something wrong with who they are and what they are doing
  • Love, respect, and more love, make all time quality time. Don’t treat your child like an object or a pet. Show love, smile, talk to your child, tell them what you are doing and how much they are loved.

I don’t think showing love should be a problem at all :)